I've realized something important: I have a voice and a platform that many people do not have. It is unwise and irresponsible of me not to use this platform as a way to share my own battle and fight with depression and anxiety. I know I am not alone. I know that hundreds of thousands of people deal with depression and anxiety every single day. Many people feel so burdened with these disabilities that they choose to end their lives. I am not a medical expert. I am not a healthcare professional. I am not a licensed therapist.

I am, however, a human being who has suffered at the hands of depression. I am someone who has blanketed myself in self-hatred and self-loathing. It's hard. It's not an easy road. I think that finally, at 40 years old, I have shed that debilitating mindset and found a way to love myself and love myself first. Flaws and all, I am me and I need to be proud of that. 

When I was young, I was abused. Emotionally and physically. Those scars have followed me my entire life. I internalized that trauma by coming to the conclusion that something was wrong with me. Why else would these terrible things be happening? I was also brainwashed into hiding it. (We don't talk about this and no one would believe you anyway.) I do not share this because I want you to feel sorry for me. I share it because this set up a life time of self-hatred, self doubt and extremely low self-esteem for me. I also know I am not the only person in the world who has been affected at length by someone else's words.

The most ironic thing is, many people who know me would tell you I am completely full of myself and think I'm better than other people. I don't and never have. However, people have taken my push and drive to be better and prove to myself that I'm worthwhile and enough to mean that I'm competing against them. No. In reality, I've just been trying to silence the voice in my head that said I sucked and wasn't worth anything. 

Recently someone shared this graphic on Facebook and I was floored. 

(Note: I  don't know who made it so I can't give proper credit. If you know where this originated, please let me know so I can give them credit.) 

I think what struck me the most about this graphic is how true it is. In November, 2018, if someone passed me in the hallway at work or saw me somewhere else and they asked how I was, I would have lied through my teeth and told them I was fine. I wasn't. I was fighting a major internal battle with myself. I was full of self-loathing and literally just going through the motions as anxiety and depression waged its war on me. 

Today if I said it, I wouldn't be lying. But how would you know the difference if I didn't just tell you? You wouldn't. And that's the crux of it. 

We never know what someone else's story is. I really hesitated to share on the blog here before because this blog is linked to every professional venue I've attached my name to. Did I really want every future employer or business partner to see my struggles? Not really, but I also realized, again, that I have the gift of the platform(s) I use to be able to share and let people know they aren't alone. 

From the outside, most people would likely believe I've lived a privileged life. I certainly have had some great things happen to me, but I have also suffered. Most of the time that suffering happened in silence. I would imagine most people who suffer deeply don't share and that's why mental health is at such a critical place. We have to use our experiences, raise our voices and share so that others know they aren't alone, that there is support out there and that they can get through it. 

I think of global icons like Robin Williams and Kate Spade, two incredibly important people in our world who succumbed to their depression. With they money at their disposal, they certainly had the ability seek help, but no one knew they were suffering until they had chosen to take their lives. 

We have to speak up, we have to speak out. We have to practice self-love, self-care and make mental health a conversation we speak to our children, our spouses, our lovers, our neighbors, our friends. It has to become normal to share our struggles so that people don't have to go to extreme measures to try to end their suffering. 

I think that for me, it does come down to love. Self-love to be specific. I have spent most of my life hating myself. Hating what I thought I had allowed to be done to me...but working through my trauma with a licensed professional, I finally realized that I had to love myself before I could really expect anyone else to love me. It has been a long road and it hasn't always been an easy one.

​When we were counting down to 2019, I wrote about my One Word for 2019. The word I selected was renewal. I even warned people that I was probably going to make them mad because I was going to learn how to say no when previously I always said yes. In my quest to matter, to make a difference and be seen as enough, I always said yes. 

The problem with always saying yes (well, one of the problems) is that when you are always saying yes to everyone else, you're always saying no to yourself. And I vowed that was going to end. 

In the 2 1/2 months of 2019, I can safely say I have made some people upset. I have stood firm and said "no" when I didn't believe in the work or knew I was being asked to do something on my own time that wasn't necessary. Work has gone unfinished and guess what? The world hasn't ended. Alongside of that ability to say no and set boundaries, I have found some inner peace. Alongside of that inner peace, I have found the ability to love myself. To accept that what I do contribute is enough and that I do not have to be everyone's (or anyone's) hero or savior. I just have to wake up every day and be the best version of myself I can be. That's all I can promise anyone I can be from day to day. 

I am pretty stoked to write this post and say I will be spending a month in Uganda this summer! Talk about amazing professional development!

Last year (2018), a very dear friend of mine told me he was going to be in Tanzania for the month of July. To say I was green with envy is the understatement of the century. I was quite jealous and loved seeing his social media posts of his time there. I knew it was definitely going to be a bucket list item for me for some day. 

Well, some day came faster than I thought it would. On Saturday, February 9, I just happened to be browsing through social media and one of the pages I follow on Facebook posted a link for LRTT and their summer fellowships. Little did I know that clicking that link was going to change my life. 

When I realized this was something very similar to what my friend had done (not knowing at the time that it is the same company), I immediately filled out the application. Within a couple of hours I had a phone call from them asking me to set up an interview with the team leader. Of course I accepted. I was quite pleased to be told they often do not get applicants who have the credentials or years of experience that I have. I hoped this would be a leg-up for me. 

The following Tuesday, I had an interview with one of the team leaders. I hate to call it an interview because it was pretty informal and she was super nice and down to earth. Alas, that's what they call it -- they have to be sure the person on the other end of the application isn't crazy or going to try to be the boss of the applesauce or whatever. She let me know that she would be sharing my interview with the other team leader and they would let me know within 48 hours.

The following day, I had a phone call from the other team leader welcoming me aboard. I can't lie....I am BEYOND excited. Yes, it will be nerve-wrecking to leave my family for a month, but this is an opportunity of a lifetime. Summers 2020 and 2021 are going to be packed full of graduation and college stuff as my two littles (who are not little anymore!) graduate high school and leave me an empty nester. This is really the best possible time for me to do this. 

One of the questions that I was asked was what did I hope to gain from this experience...and I flat out said this is probably not an answer you'd expect from someone who has the credentials and experience that I have, but I expect quite honestly to gain some humility. In the USA, we like to gripe that we have it so bad when it comes to teaching (and don't get me wrong -- there is a lot to be desired in our profession as far as how we are respected and how we are paid), but we don't have 60 students in a classroom with very minimal resources like is the norm there. 

Every US teacher knows our classrooms are mostly teacher funded. But if you are like me and work in a Title 1 school, you DO get access to other materials and resources and of course, my current school is 1:1 with iPads which opens up a whole different scenario compared to folks who have little to no technology. In fact, I would argue that (at least where I am) we have money that is spent on resources that end up sitting in a closet or on a shelf because there is such a sense of urgency to spend the money or lose it that decisions are often made haphazardly rather than with input from the people who are expected to use it. 

Truth be told, I love teaching. Despite the ups and downs of being an educator, I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. But I also realize my time in a classroom is probably coming to an end -- I want to make a bigger impact than I can make in one classroom with 20-30 kids (and yes that is a range I've experienced, even in the last 5 years!). I want to coach teachers and support them as they support their students. And this experience is going to give me such a wonderful perspective in reaching those goals. 

Some day I will probably be a principal or a school leader of some kind. In the meantime, I would really love to do more work with coaching. As I get more involved with Leading Educators and helping provide PD to my colleagues, it just fuels this for me -- the gains we are seeing across our school this year are phenomenal and I have no doubt it is in part due to the PD we are focusing on. Working with OUR kids and OUR situation and then making adjustments to our instruction within those parameters. It's pretty awesome to help teachers realize they can do so much more than they think with the resources they have.

There is a lot of red tape to work through as I prepare for this amazing opportunity (vaccines, visas, etc) but I am excited. I think it is going to give me such a renewed sense of purpose and excitement for the work I do every day. I can't wait to see how I grow alongside their students and teachers. 

This has been the weirdest school year, ever. First of all, I started as a third grade inclusion teacher. Then due to some shuffling with numbers, I shifted to a 2nd/3rd grade split without inclusion. Now, as we hit that sweet spot of the year when the kids are well ingrained in the routines and are really flying along...Mother Nature got an attitude.

Last week, we had a historic entire week off because of snow and the Polar Vortex that hit the midwest. That has never happened in our district, ever. In fact, most of the time we don't even get inclement weather days (last school year we had 0). The week off last week put us at 7 days off for inclement weather, total. Crazy!

​And then Mother Nature decided to get an attitude again and hit us with some ice. So no school yesterday or today. It's insanity. 

Alas, it has me thinking. There has to be a better system for how to really engage kids in learning when we do have weather days. During the week off last week, I sent a message on Dojo with some things for the kids to do. But I don't know how many of the parents actually shared those activities with their children. 

What if we expected kids to log into [whatever school portal] on inclement weather days to do some learning? Obviously this learning would not take place of a teacher actually providing instruction, but more than simply saying "read a book." (Don't get me wrong, reading is awesome for practice, but I'm thinking deeper and of more.) But there has to be a way to engage our kids away from school in a meaningful way that won't be a ton of work for a teacher to prepare and will help students to continue to practice skills when they are away unexpectedly.

Of course there will be people who whine and complain and say it isn't reasonable. Or they will say not everyone can do the work from home. There are always exceptions to everything - just like we have students who literally sit in our classrooms and it's like pulling teeth to get them to do anything. 

I guess my theory is...if this was the expectation - that an inclement weather day didn't just automatically mean you get a free day off - parents and students would likely rise to it. I would expect parents would be grateful for something for their children to do, especially when multiple days in a row have to be called.

I'm thinking especially of my own two teenagers. In the last 15 school days (counting tomorrow), they have only been in school 4 days, if they go tomorrow it would be 5 out of 15 days. They do have district issued technology that they bring home every day. WHY, then, aren't they getting some assignments through those devices? They haven't gotten a single thing. 

Perhaps I'm alone in my thinking, but I find that to be ludicrous. We should expect more of ourselves than that. We live in a cold state that sometimes has harsh winters - we need to find ways to help our kids continue to practice and be engaged in learning, even if we aren't at school. I'm not talking 6 hours of work for them on those days. No. Perhaps 60-75 minutes of meaningful practice tasks that can be assigned to allow them to continue to practice what has been taught and refine skills that they are struggling with. 

Definitely some food for thought for me as I put together my plans for my future school. I just do not see a reason why when there are multiple days off in a row that students aren't expected to have some meaningful intellectual work to do. 

Something I have always prided myself on is my ability to be reflective. I am one of those annoying teachers who can always rethink a lesson and determine at least one way that I can make it better the next time that I teach it. I am admittedly skeptical of people who are unable to do that reflection. Even the best lesson of your life can always be improved, especially when there is enough time and distance between the actual lesson and the reflection. When you've had more processing time, you tend to realize you could have done several things different ways or included more of [whatever it is]. 

It's been a bit of a whirlwind since we returned to school after winter break. I thoroughly enjoyed my downtime but once January 7 hit, it was immediately hitting the ground running with tons to do.  It can be overwhelming. I have continued my practice of daily reflection and meditation [Pssst...check out my review of the Intentional Educator Reflection Journal], but things can still get overwhelming sometimes. Then something happens and when you reflect on it, it makes you realize that you are on the path you are meant to be on. 

Earlier this week we had a Student Success Team Meeting (you might know it as Child Study). This is basically a time when teachers can bring forward students who they have concerns with, either academically or behaviorally or both, and the school team meets and determines some interventions to try. Then we meet periodically again to see if there are improvements or adjustments need to be made. Sometimes this results in a student being tested for special education services but it doesn't always need to go that far. 

Early in the year this particular student of mine was on the list from last year. I was actually pretty surprised because he is a delightful little boy who really seemed to like school. [He had been brought up by his 2nd grade teacher; no concerns noted in 1st grade or kindergarten.] Through the course of the meeting and looking through the notes on his file, I saw some things that really surprised me. We had a meeting in October and I was really surprised hearing from mom and dad (whom I had met and really connected with previously in the year) about what had occurred the previous year. Truly this was not a child I would have ever brought forward for SST if he hadn't already been on the list. 

Both of his parents came to the meeting this week and they both praised me for the "positive influence" I have had on their son. To the point that I actually teared up a bit. I pointed out that I am tough on the kids because I can see their future in a way they cannot when they are that young, but the difference I think for me is that I'm a tough love kind of teacher. Yes, I'll push them to be the best and go farther than they ever have, but they also know I am tough on them because I genuinely love them and care about their future. 

When I went back to my classroom that afternoon, I thought about that conversation a lot. I reflected a ton on what I'm doing RIGHT with that student and how I can ensure I continue to do so. This child's confidence has grown ten-fold in the short amount of time he has been in my class. I thought about WHY. Of course, I could be ridiculous and say "it's all because of me because I'm the best teacher ever!" but that would not be the truth.

There are plenty of people better than me. Always have been and there always will be. I have my flaws. BUT what I am in genuine. My classroom is a safe place for everyone - including me - to be vulnerable and to grow. The students know this because we talk about it. We talk about it a lot. I often use myself as an example during morning meeting with mistakes I have made (obviously kid-friendly and appropriate) as they relate to our topic. I have also implemented the Gratitude Circle at the end of our day and it has been wonderful to see my students all appreciate and love on each other and the good things happening in our school. It's also been really amazing to see how their gratitudes have changed over the first semester - generally they were all pretty superficial in the beginning (thankful for having a specials class that day or some other special event), but now that the comfort is there and the safety is there, they are going deep. Someone will share that they are thankful for [name] because they helped them when they fell down or invited them to join a recess activity when they saw the other person was alone or how grateful they are for the learning they got to do that day [that one might be my favorite because they are genuine, not putting on a show]. A few of the 3rd grade girls have taken to saying how much they appreciate me and/or my intern because of the work we do so the they can learn.

As I reflect and think about the positive culture I have tried to instill in my classroom, I can't help but wonder if this positive time that is deliberately built into my day is a reason why my students are feeling confident and safe enough to share. Let it be known that I am not trying to say I am the only teacher in my school who does positive things with their students; what I am saying is, I think my personality and goofiness and our mutual respect we have built amongst us all has contributed to the culture we share. 

In this moment, I am glad I am someone who truly knows how to be reflective because reflecting on this situation with this particular student has led to me reflecting on the culture I've built in my classroom this year which has led me to think about how I can continue to cultivate this and bring it to an even better place the rest of the year and into my future classrooms. 

There is power in reflection and being willing to be honest and vulnerable about why something is working or why it isn't. Fortunately in this case, it is working and working well...but if it wasn't, it would be time to stop and think about why. What behaviors am *I* contributing that are hindering where we want to go. Because regardless of what you think, your behavior as the leader of the classroom absolutely impacts everything the kids do. 

Well, the page and the calendar have turned. It's a fresh beginning, alight with possibility. Every day is a new blank piece of paper, just waiting for you to write your story on it. How you write it is up to you.

We cannot control everything that happens to us, but we can control our responses and our attitudes. We can make the best of challenging or difficult situations. We can go in with our heads held high and with the foresight of doing the best we can with what we have available to us in that moment. 

As the page turns to welcome in 2019, I find myself grateful. I didn't start this blog to focus on myself and my journey with depression and anxiety, but that's how I have used it most frequently of late. I've had folks reach out to me privately and say they appreciate my openness about it because at the very least, the words will help someone else who might be struggling. I hope that is true. I have immense gratitude just for the space to be open and share, even if it is not read by anyone but me. The space, the platform to be open, to share my wounds, my healing and my success, has been tremendously helpful in allowing me to finally get past the demons of my past. 

In 2019, as I focus on my word renewal, I want to remember that every single day is a new start. In fact, every hour, minute and second is a chance to stand up and start over if necessary. How beautiful is that? Every moment of our lives we can take a stand and say "nope, this isn't working for me" and start anew. There is immense power in realizing that we have that ability. 

As you welcome in 2019, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you know peace, love and most of all find a balance between what you need and what you think others expect. Happy New Year. 

Years and years ago, when I still blogged at blogger and teacher bloggers were predominantly writing about teaching as opposed to writing to promote their TpT products, someone introduced the concept of One Little Word. Basically, you select a word for the year that will bolster you through and is supposed to serve as an anchor of purpose.

At the time I first heard of it, I just thought the teacher who had shared it was clever and a ton of people hopped on the bandwagon. Since then, however, I have learned that someone else had originally come up with the concept and even had a class for it each year. The class includes some journaling/scrapbooking type of stuff so it's more than just choosing a word.

I don't go that far into it. I just like to choose a word to push me through the year. A couple of years ago I chose the word Intent. I even had a wallpaper made for my phone with that word on it so I would see if multiple times per day. It was incredibly helpful for me as I went through the year to have that word literally in my face throughout my days. That word also gave me the strength to pursue other job opportunities when I found I was no longer satisfied/fulfilled in the one I had. It was an incredibly powerful tool for me. 

I didn't do a word for 2018. I'm not sure why I didn't choose one, but I am going to do that for 2019. I am not a New Year's Resolution fan. I like to set goals, sure, but I don't like to call them resolutions because I think people expect resolutions to be broken. I don't like the negative connotation there. That may be another reason why I like the One Word challenge because it's not a resolution OR a goal - it's simply a word to anchor you for the year to come.

As noted previously in this blog, I have done a ton of reflecting, journaling and meditating since Thanksgiving. It has truly helped diminish my anxiety and depression in ways I didn't think were possible. In addition, I have been working with a therapist which is the best decision I ever made, to go back to therapy. Having someone objective to help you process the things taking up space in your head is incredibly helpful. Throughout the last two weeks, I have brought up the One Little Word concept in therapy and discussed it with my therapist. I have been tossing around a couple of words as options, but I have also wanted to be very careful what I select because once you pick it, that's it. 

All of the words that I have considered have power and meaning behind them. Not surprisingly, they are all really similar too. I did consider using the weird fierce, but I think that's too strong of a weird with some negative connotation to it so I have passed on that one.

The word I have selected for 2019 is renewal. This is an incredibly powerful word because renewal can encompass so many areas! I want to renew/strengthen my relationship with my husband and my daughters; I want to renew my faith in myself and my self-confidence (which has taken a real beating with this latest bout of depression); I want to renew/strengthen my resolve as an educator and seek opportunities that will allow me to continue to grow as a professional. 

I love this word because, truly, from moment to moment the way I renew can be different. It can truly fit the situation I'm in. There is power in the versatility of the word itself. 

Here's to a happy, prosperous and renewing 2019. 

Teaching in December can be incredibly stressful. Students are excited for some time off (teachers are too!), but for many students it can also be a time of great anxiety because school might be the only really stable place they have in their lives. I personally choose to believe that families do the best they can with what they have and that they send us their best.

Even with that positive intention, students can come to school dealing with the effects of trauma, anxiety and more. The thought of extended time at home away from the stability of school can be really hard for some students. I think I have understood this much more deeply in the last few years as I have gotten more involved in Restorative Practices and Trauma Informed Teaching and Learning. We really would like to think we know so much about what our students bring to school with them, but I think the reality is that we really only know a tiny amount in the grand scheme of things. 

As such, I try really hard to keep things as normal as possible the last couple of weeks of school before we go on winter break. I want my students to feel stable and secure in my presence. I think that has paid off this year. 

On Friday, December 21st, we had a half day of school. I planned to finish up all of our testing and things on Thursday so that we could just have fun together on that last day. We finished the ornaments they made for their families and then we had our party. I chose not to include food this year - the students just had to bring themselves. The students exchanged their gifts from each other (we do a Secret Santa Workshop each year and they get to select a gift for a classmate to exchange) and they got their gift bags from myself and my intern. Then it was fun time.

We played Candy Cane Fishing and Snowman Bowling! So adorable. 

Truth be told, I think I'm just happy I was able to capture action shots. So much fun!

After this we had a "snowball fight" with marshmallows since there isn't any snow in our area of Michigan right now. Students had a partner and sat across from each other. Each had a small bag of marshmallow minis. They had one minute to try to get as many minis in their partner's mouth as possible. Then we cleaned up (because for real, the marshmallows went EVERYWHERE even though they were being careful) and then we repeated with the second partner. It was so much fun. I have an adorable video of it but can't show it due to it showing student faces. So cute though!

Then we had lunch and I sent the kids on their merry way until 2019. Generally at Christmas I have one or two students who bring a small gift. A few rare times I have had 5-6 kids do this. Friends of mine who teach in more wealthy areas are shocked by this because they get overloaded with gift cards and other expensive items. I do not teach in an area where this is ever going to happen and that is 100% acceptable to me. I do not want my families worrying about buying me a present - I want them to worry about buying their own family/children/spouse presents. (Come Valentine's Day - they more than make up for the gifts, believe me!)

This year, I did have a couple of friends bring me a gift. Some were just little handmade cards (my favorite gifts, honestly). One gift I received included a super nice card. I'm so glad that I didn't open it in front of my students because I would have probably started crying. It was so sweet and heartfelt.

I think it's important to note that I fully embrace my weirdness. I'm not afraid to be silly. I think it's what makes me approachable - kids love that about me. I know when to be serious and when to be a goof and they really come to appreciate it. I try to make things fun because you're much more likely to be engaged in learning if you're having fun, right? 

But this mom, having never met me, was kind of taken aback at Open House when I fully said "He's going to tell you that I'm weird...and I am." She has come to appreciate that so much over this last couple of months. She has already asked me if I will teach 4th grade again next year so that I can keep him (truth be told, I was asked that last year too). 

As difficult as these last few weeks have been for me personally with my depression and anxiety, all of the meditation I have focused myself in has really allowed me to be present in each moment and that helps so much. I enjoyed that party so much more because I was not thinking about when it was done or what else I needed to do. I was just enjoying their laughter and their joy at the fun we had together. There is power in that.

Of course, I look forward time off as much as the next teacher, but I also hope that I sent my students away to finish up 2018 with gratitude in their hearts and love on their minds. We will meet again in 2019 and I think we will all be better people when we come back together. 

As mentioned in my previous post, I am a teacher who deals with depression and anxiety. I also live in Michigan. The sun does not like to come out in Michigan much during the months from November to April. It can be incredibly distressing to see little to no sunlight for weeks on end. Someone told me the other day that we had only 8% of our days in November having any actual sunshine. The number alone is pretty depressing.

I'm not sure why November and December are so difficult for me to deal with alongside my depression. I'm sure the lack of sun is part of it, but I'm not sure what else it is about these months that make it so much harder for me to handle my depression. 

In November, when I finally admitted to my family, my friends (and most importantly, myself), that I was struggling with my depression again, I decided to take action. I have determined it is time to take some steps, that do not involve medication, to get myself to a place where I like myself. Because that's the real issue - I don't like myself very much. I had a very emotionally manipulative parental figure growing up and his way of controlling us was basically do beat us down emotionally. I haven't even spoken to this person in almost 8 years and I still feel the effects of that manipulation. It is ever-lasting. 

But I have put some things in place to make my mind a better place to be.

1) Prioritize myself. First and foremost, I have decided I have to make myself a priority. I do not think anyone who has ever taught with me before would disagree that I do not take care of myself. I don't. I have let my ambition guide me, but at the detriment of my relationship with myself and many people around me whom I care for. I am now purposely making myself a priority - I am saying "no" and backing out of previous commitments because I am not the only person who can do things. Spread the wealth folks - we will all be happier for it.

This also means I have really scaled back on social media interactions. I have not been very active in my Voxer groups recently because they overwhelm me and I do not want to feel obligated to participate. When I'm ready, I'll step back in, but setting those boundaries and giving myself permission to step back has been immensely helpful. 

2) Seek therapy. For several years, I worked with an amazing therapist. I would see her once a week after school. She helped me during an incredibly difficult time in my life. But then I stopped going and felt like I didn't need it. But I do. I need an objective party who does not know me outside of that relationship and can help me see things more clearly. I joined TalkSpace and was matched with a great therapist who is across the state. We share space in our private chat room 5 days per week. I get almost daily interactions with someone rather than having to save all of my thinking for once a week. I love this format because I can access my room 24/7 and leave voice messages or texts as often as I want. 1-2 times per day she responds, except on her days off. Truthfully there have been a few times she has even briefly checked in on her days off to make sure I'm doing okay. People whine that it's pricey (about $200/mo and they do not accept insurance), but for me...having someone to chat with almost DAILY who can help me in bits and pieces is so, so beneficial and absolutely worth every penny. I'm also finding that I am much more open and honest in this format because I don't have to look at her and she isn't looking at me. My fear of being judged is real and this alleviates that.

3) Set daily intentions. About three weeks ago, I decided I needed to set daily intentions for myself. Every morning, before I do anything else, I set intentions for my day. Every day, my first intention is to complete my meditation (see #4), then I list anything else that I want to set intention for. At this point, in the place I am with tackling my depression head on, most of the intentions center around mindfulness and/or positivity. I literally turn these into a checklist and it is incredibly helpful because nothing makes me happier than checking things off of a checklist. It has been an incredible tool to help me to focus myself on positive thoughts, finding joy in situations and anchoring myself in intentional actions. 

4) Mediations. Enter the Calm app. I have had a subscription since January, 2018, but I didn't really use it that often. Now I use it every single morning. It is the first thing I do after I set my daily intentions. I listen to the Daily Calm and center my body for the day. I have also listened to the Calm Masterclass "Rethinking Depression" (which I highly recommend!) and have enjoyed "7 Days of Calming Anxiety" as well as some of the sleep stories. I have spent just under 9 hours in that mindful app in the last 23 days. My head is such a nicer place to be with the addition of these meditations and time spent intentionally living in the moment. [Did you know if you are an educator, you can get a lifetime subscription to Calm as long as you have a K-12 classroom? Check it out!] 

5) Journaling/Reflecting. This was something I implemented alongside setting my intentions daily. My very dear friend designed these wonderful reflection journals. I bought one last spring but wasn't really sure what I wanted to use it for. Seriously, I've had that thing since like May, but didn't start using it until around Thanksgiving. It has been a complete God-send for me. First of all, the journal is gorgeous and has a buttery-soft feel which just makes my office-product-obsessed-geeky-self so happy. But the format is set up in a way that makes reflection so easy!
The left side allows you to set your intentions and mindful goal for the day in the morning (top two spaces) and reflect and process in the evening (bottom two spaces). The right hand page allows you to reflect in a longer format if you so desire. 

I have found so much benefit from completing these every day. They have truly changed how I focus my day and allowed me to "let go" each evening. Coupled with the meditations/mindful practice, my head really is a much nicer place to spend time in compared to a month ago. 
​
6) Marriage Meetings. In working with my therapist and realizing there is a lot of baggage from my abusive upbringing still affecting my marriage, one of the things my husband and I committed to doing is holding weekly marriage meetings. These have been incredibly beneficial for both of us. They have allowed my husband and I to communicate in a more risk-free way regarding my depression and anxiety but also other things happening in our marriage and relationship with each other. I would highly recommend the process to anyone! There is a whole book on it but you can also get started, like we did, from this quick and helpful explanation. 


Depression is so real and so difficult to deal with, but I have found it is less daunting and actually has much less control over me when I am intentional and mindful about my daily practices. Sure I still have some pretty bad spikes, but not nearly as bad I was experiencing before making myself a priority and being more intentional with what I allow to reside in and take up my headspace.

Disclaimer: I am a hider. It takes an incredible amount of courage for me to share with my family (the people who live with me) when I'm feeling weak and down...so writing this and putting it out for the world at large is incredibly difficult and has taken me a lot of bravery. I just hope that someone else finds comfort in my words and in knowing they aren't alone.


I am a teacher. It is my calling, my passion and my life's work. I truly cannot imagine doing anything else with my life.

But teaching is emotionally exhausting. I do not teach in an area where my students' families have a lot of resources. My families deal with poverty, abuse, violence in their neighborhoods (perhaps in their homes?). Many of my families are native Spanish speakers. This immediately puts them at a disadvantage to their white teacher, especially in today's cultural climate and political atmosphere. I get to enjoy privileges they do not simply because my skin is white. Many of my families also did not get an opportunity to be educated when they were children so they do not know how to "do school" as it were. You don't know what you don't know.

Other people judge my students and their families. I have heard it my entire career. "Oh, you work there," like that makes me a lesser teacher because I don't work with children who have privilege. I have told my students before that the world around them automatically thinks they are lesser because of where they go to school. Not because I want to discourage them, but because I want to light a fire within them that they CAN (and WILL) be amazing. It's going to take work, but they can do it.


I bring this up now because my students are affected by trauma in ways teachers in more affluent areas simply cannot understand. As a teacher in an area where kids see and deal with so many things that their young minds simply do not know how to process, there is a lot of absorption from the teachers as they try to help their students cope. My job, as a teacher in a large urban district, is much more emotionally exhausting and taxing than that of a teacher in the district I live in (more suburban). I don't mean to imply that any teacher's job is easy, but theirs is definitely easier. 

Just yesterday I was speaking to my intern about this. When I was a teacher assistant (my first field experience), I was placed in a more wealthy area. Even then I knew that my cooperating teacher could just be a teacher. Yes, there was always work to do and the job never ends, but she also didn't go home every day worrying about her students and whether or not they would eat or whether or not they would have a warm bed to sleep in or whether or not a student's parent was going to go to jail because of something s/he did. In fact, her biggest issue was a set of parents who didn't want to "label" their child with a reading disability. Incredibly small peanuts in the grand scheme of things.

I finished my student teaching in the large urban district I currently work in. Being 100% transparent, when I was in college, I was like "Oh I don't want to work in that district..." You see, I believed the propaganda and crap put out there (even back then!) about what was happening in my future district. I share that because I feel ashamed that I bought the lies and drama. Then I student taught there...and everything changed for me. I found kids who I adored and cared for deeply despite all of the issues they face that can be hard to deal with residually. I also found some incredibly passionate teachers and staff who go above and beyond for the students in ways I could not imagine before I was part of it. 

This is my thirteenth year teaching in the district. I love my kids and I push them hard. I don't care if they don't love me right now...because they will see in time that I push them because I care about their future so much. Yesterday we did our usual gratitude circle to close the day and four kids said they had gratitude for myself and my intern because we are always pushing them to do more and be better because "they care about our future." (Yeah, it was a tearjerker moment.)

But here's the thing. I mentioned how emotionally exhausting it is to be a teacher where I am. It is emotionally exhausting. No one who has done the job would disagree. 

Now imagine, however, that you also suffer from depression and anxiety. The residual emotional piece piles onto the depression you already deal with and the anxiety that loves to rear its ugly head at the absolute worst time. And what do you do? You have to deal with it. The kids need you. They can't have a basket case for a teacher. You pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just make it happen. 

I have worked with many, many people in my career. Most of them are some of the absolute best people that I know. There are some who are incredibly privileged though. They did not grow up in an emotionally manipulative environment. They were not abused. I don't doubt that they love their students...but some of them really do not see what I see. How can I see it so well? Because I was my 7 and 8 year old students, just in a different school. The only other difference is that I'm white. We didn't have a lot when I was growing up. I experienced trauma too. And unfortunately, it doesn't just go away. 

You can't just "brush it off" and move on with your day. Most people whom I spend my days with have zero idea where my head goes (they are lucky too because it's not always a fun place to be in my head). They are blessed in that they don't have the same effects of the residual trauma and emotional exhaustion that I feel. Sure they are tired too and they need a break too. I don't mean to discount that.

But I also know that other people do not internalize what is around them the same way I do. I have been called an empath. I don't necessarily disagree with that...but it's also hard to be one. Empaths are highly sensitive people. Weirdly people are drawn to us. I have had several experiences where complete strangers will come up to me in airports or other places and share an incredibly personal story with me, then walk away. I had a friend once (also described as an empath), who told me that it's like we have a light inside of us that draws moth to flame and people are just compelled to tell us things, to get it off their chest and then they are relieved and unburdened. It can be incredibly emotionally exhausting to have so much empathy because we take on others' pain and then suffer ourselves. This is not something you can choose to be or be able to control; you either are one or you aren't.


I hide my anxiety a lot of the time. I don't want to burden people with it. And to be honest, people just expect more from me. When I try to tell people that I'm emotionally spent and just need to pull back, rarely am I given the grace to do so. People just expect that I'll push through whatever I'm dealing with and make it happen. They see my ambition and need to do more and be better as "well she can handle it." 

But what if I can't? What if they are pushing me so hard that I simply can't anymore? 

Sometimes that is how I feel. That I can't do one more thing or be one more person's anything because there is no space left in my head for that. 

It's sort of funny really because I thought finishing my doctorate would open up some head space...but it really hasn't. I still have books sitting on my shelf that I've been DYING to read, but I can't get more than 1-2 chapters in because I don't have the cognitive stamina right now to process them. It's like having an academic hangover.

But I also now recognize it as my depression rearing its ugly head. I am a go-getter. That's how people describe me. They use words like passionate and ambitious. But they do not see underneath that to know I'm struggling. I struggle every.single.day. Every day. Especially lately. This has been an incredibly weird school year with a lot of changes; I feel like every time I find my way, something else changes and throws a wrench in it all. 

To speak to me in the hallways though...you'd have no idea. Not a clue. I am very good at hiding what's really happening in my head. And let's be real, most relationships we have are surface level, right? There isn't a need for people to go deeper.

I even told my co-teacher (when I still had one) earlier this year how much anxiety I felt with all of the adults in our class and that new environment. She said to me once that she thought I hid my anxiety very well because she couldn't tell...and that's why I'm writing this today.

Often people with depression and anxiety will hide. It's easier to withdraw and hide inside of yourself, letting your fake facade on the outside rule because when it comes down to it, people don't really want to know. In my experience anyway, people don't want to know when you're not feeling like yourself, because they do not know what to do with that knowledge and it makes them feel uncomfortable.

I hide it because I don't want to be a burden for other people. Plus, deep down, I don't really think people see me enough to care if I did tell them (and I don't mean see me in the hallway, I mean really SEE what is underneath the surface). There are some who do, and some who have gone out of their way to check on me and that makes me feel warm fuzzies toward them...being noticed goes a long way.

But the reality of the matter is...I've been struggling since August. People haven't noticed. People I LIVE WITH haven't noticed. Why? Because I can hide it that well. I pull it inside of me and don't talk about it, don't share it, fall back on the thought that if we ignore it, it'll go away.

It doesn't go away. It's like a warm blanket that envelops me all the time...except it's not a warm blanket. It's a cold one. It's one that isn't healing or helping, but rather hurting me. And I don't share it with people because I don't want to burden them. Plus, I have to hide it because I can't be a basket case in front of my class. I have to be strong, their role model, someone they can look up to.


The biggest reason I decided to write this out and put it into print is to say this: You have no idea what goes on in the minds of those around you. My daughter, who also suffers from depression, posted this on Facebook earlier this week:

This hit me like a ton of bricks. Because I understand it.

I am successful. People believe in the work that I do. I have connections all over the country (and a few outside of the country). 

But I still deal with depression. I am not in a place where I want to harm myself, but the thoughts have crossed my mind during other dark periods of depression. 

You just don't know what happens in people's heads. You can't.

It's incredibly important to notice those around you and try to see if they are not acting like their usual selves. Even those of us like me, who are incredibly adept at hiding it, still have tells (mine is to twist my fingers together or compulsively scratch my arms). You have to notice. You could actually save someone's life. 

On October 22nd,  I guest moderated a Twitter chat for the #RJLeagueChat on Shame. 

The definition of shame we used comes directly from this book:

This book has more or less become my Bible in regards to Restorative Practices. They define shame as a disruption of a positive affect. This can be an incredibly difficult definition to  wrap your head around because it is not how most people have traditionally viewed shame. 

Most people that I know think of being ashamed when we talk of shame. Being ashamed is what occurs when you feel guilt or remorse for something that you have done that may have caused hurt or discomfort in others. Shame on its own, however, can be anything that disrupts your positive affect.

An example of this might be that a student was yelled at by his/her parent before they got to school or was greeted rudely by a school figure or another student before going to class. That shame will absolutely follow him or her into the classroom. They might be so immersed in their shame that they actually lash out at others because they do not know how to process the shame they are feeling. They have nothing to feel guilty for; they have not necessarily done something wrong. They have simply had their affect disrupted by someone else and have not had the opportunity to process it.

I have thought quite a bit about this topic since leading the Twitter chat on it. We do the Twitter chat on Sundays and then work through the same questions in slow chat form in our Voxer group throughout the week. This allows us to dig deeper into whatever our topic is and not be constrained to 280 characters.

I have to be real; one reason it has been on my mind so much is not just the rich and amazing discussion we had surrounding this topic, but some things I have witnessed/overheard that I think bring shame to students. I am by no means a perfect person. Believe me when I tell you that things have left my lips, directed at students, that were beyond inappropriate and wrong. Most of the time, these things occurred when I was a younger teacher who felt overwhelmed and/or frustrated and I didn't necessarily know any better. It doesn't excuse the behavior of course because regardless, I am an adult and as someone tasked with working with today's youth, it is part of my job to be mindful of the things that leave my lips. Unfortunately knowing that and following through on that are not always mutually exclusive. 

My school building houses two schools: a Pre-K through 5th grade building downstairs and a 6-8th grade middle school upstairs. We do share some common spaces. My classroom this year is in our common hallway. I asked for this room because a) it is huge and b) it has windows that face a courtyard which means natural light. What I was not prepared for, however, was how often my path would cross with the middle schoolers and their staff. This particular hallway is home to both cafeterias, their band room and the shared art space. There is a stairwell right outside my room that the secondary students use to get to and from the cafeteria and their band/music classes. 

I didn't expect to overhear the sorts of things I overhear. Last week I overheard an adult tell two students to shut up. I was taken aback. Big time. Keep in mind that I have zero context as to what this adult's relationship was/is to these students. I also do not know these students. I overheard this through the door of my room. I was quite shocked and upset to overhear this.

I think it bothered me so much because of the discussion I had been immersed in with my Voxer group surrounding shame. All I could think was that these children were now going to carry shame with them to their first period class and quite possibly through the rest of the day after that exchange (which was overheard by a hallway of their peers as well). How would this interaction affect the rest of their day? How would it affect the other adults and teachers that they would interact with for the next seven hours?

More than a week later, it still sits on my mind. As a mother, I would be furious if my child told me an adult who was charged with caring for them in school spoke to them that way. On the other hand, I'm a teacher in an inner city district where sometimes kids drive you to the brink and you, as the adult who does (or at least should) know better, you allow your emotions to get the better of you and you say or do things that  cross a line. I hope that is the case for this situation. I pray that the adult in this situation found time during the day to approach these students and apologize or at least in some other way show these students that her actions were uncalled for and that she owned it. 

I think it is vastly important that we own our actions as adults too. No one is perfect. I have worked with many people in my career and some of them have accused me of thinking I'm perfect or better than others. I don't, actually. I know I mess up, I know I make mistakes. I think the difference for me is that I own that; I fully acknowledge that I do not know everything and that I still need someone to call me out on my actions at times. In the end, I think that is what this came down to for me. I would want someone else to call me to task if they overheard me speak to a child or multiple students in that way. Because regardless of my motivations or what had happened to me earlier in the day that set me on edge or my previous interactions with those students, we need to conduct ourselves in a way that allows students to see us as their ally not their enemy.